forgiveness :: the other 'f' word

A few days ago, I posted this video where the preacher enthusiastically encouraged his parishioners to text all their ex's and tell them that they are in church and to 'f' them.  Sadly, what was lost in all the commotion and hoopla was something else that the pastor said which is a launching pad for what I'm about to say.  He said (and I'll paraphrase), "I want you to forgive all those who have said wrong things about you...who have lied about you...who have hurt you."

So it was that one little phrase that has prompted this post about what forgiveness is and is not.  Before we get to what forgiveness is, it might be helpful to say what forgiveness is not.  And before I do that, I'd like to point out that if you'd like learn more about the "art" of forgiveness, I highly recommend you read Lewis Smedes' two books on forgiveness: Forgive & Forget and The Art of Forgiveness.  Much of what I say here is framed by Smedes' work.

Forgiving is not excusing.

Here is where I believe much confusion lies when it comes to understanding the nature and purpose of forgiveness.  Forgiving is not the same thing as excusing.  We "excuse" ourselves when our bodies make audible noises at the dinner table in the presence of other company.  When this happens we say things like: "Please excuse me."  Ordinary bodily outbursts are excusable, not forgivable, offenses.  Here's another example...teachers excuse students for having to go to the bathroom.  They don't say: "You are forgiven, you may go to the bathroom Johnny."  No, what they say is: "You are excused, you may go."

Often we confuse forgiving with excusing.  We ask for forgiveness when none is required and we excuse (or make excuses for) those offenses which genuinely call for forgiveness.  

Forgiving is not a reunion or a reset back to "the way things were."

Somewhere throughout history, we have bought in to this idea that when we forgive someone, a magic "reset" button is pushed and we're supposed to be happily reunited with the person who hurt us...that way things can go back to "the way they were" before the abuse or offense occurred.  I really don't mean to be combative, but I dare you to tell that to a woman who's been beaten or raped by her husband or boyfriend.  Let's admit it, we've all heard stories or know someone who's advised an abused spouse or friend, by saying: "Just keep forgiving him (or her), give 'em another chance...after all Jesus suffered abuse for you."  My advice on the other hand is to RUN!  Get out of the situation now and don't go back.  Working through a process of healing will lead to some form of forgiveness at some point down the road but for now remove yourself from the abusive relationship.  

Forgiving is not instantaneous.

Bottom line: forgiving does not happen magically or instantly between two people or two groups of people.  For some, yes, forgiving comes easily.  But for others, it's much more difficult.  I'm reminded of times in my own life where forgiveness came easily for me.  But there were also some instances where it took me a while to get to a point where I could even muster the words: "I forgive you" even if I wasn't sure I actually did forgive.  It is a process that based on the scope, depth and frequency of the offense may take months to years or even a lifetime to work through.  

Forgiving is not the wrong thing to do.

Have you ever heard a friend or loved one say something like: "I just cannot forgive so I'm going to make them pay for what they did to me."  I realize I'm banging on the same cultural drum here, but somewhere along the line, we picked up this idea that forgiveness is unjust and that we have a responsibility and an obligation to repay.  "Eye for an eye" you know..."tooth for a tooth."

I'll let you in on a little something...there is no such thing as "getting even" when it comes to seeking revenge.  It's impossible.  An "eye for an eye" is never one for one.  Revenge only raises the stakes higher and higher until serious mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual damage has been done.  

Forgiving is not forgetting.

How many times have we heard this mantra repeated over and over and over - "forgive and forget, forgive and forget, forgive and forget."  Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting as if nothing ever happened.  Some would say that to forgive is to acknowledge that no offense has even taken place.  It's often equated with turning a blind eye.  As human beings, we're not wired to immediately forget things we don't want to remember or relive.  We do have the capacity to suppress our memories and the terrible events in our lives, but our bodies are just as capable of retrieving those memories.  Researchers tell us that our sense of smell has the strongest link to our memories.  Years ago, when my grandfather died, I inherited a tool chest, and still to this day when I open that tool chest, it's like I'm opening a portal straight to his basement workshop where that chest was because the inside still smells like his house.

Forgiveness happens when you give up your legitimate right to get even.  There it is.  That's as succinct as I can say it, so I'll say it again...the act of forgiving is giving up your legitimate right to get even. 

What forgiveness is...coming next.