In the book Choosing Civility, Rule #8 is Give and Accept Praise. Just this morning I overheard a conversation between co-laborers in Christ about a mutual aquaintance who pleaded with her father to give her praise when he saw her parenting well instead of continually criticizing her for all the "wrong" things she does. "Please," she pleaded, "just tell me when you see me doing something right!" This woman's plea is our plea for affirmation; for a job well done; for a kind gesture; or a Godly word.
One of my mentor's is really good at giving praise. And what I really appreciate about his praise is that it is frequent and genuine. I really don't think the man can help himself. My wife and I will miss an upcoming congregational vote to purchase a piece of property for the church we are members of, and so I emailed him to let him know that we were going to be gone on that particular Sunday, but we vote "yes" in favor of the property purchase.
Here was his response (I post this not because I'm drawing attention to myself - I'm really not. This is an excellent example of how pastors - or anyone who oversees others - should think of others)...
"Josh – Can’t wait to see you – hope that it is soon – I will be going to Arkansas on a family mission trip next week. Appreciate who you are and what you do in our midst as a church family. You are a deep blessing."
I wrote to him about casting our vote. He responded with a word that lifted me up and set the tone for my day. This is the kind of gift where the only appropriate response is a simple and heartfelt, "Thank you."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
speak kindly & give praise
Rule #7 in Choosing Civility is Don't Speak Ill. It is framed negatively of Rule #6 which is to Speak Kindly. The memories I carry with me related to speaking ill of others are long car rides with our two children in the back strapped in next to each other, and as any parent well knows, it always begins with name calling.
"Meanie," he says.
"Poopyhead," she retorts.
"You're a boy!" is his comeback.
"Oh yeah, you're a princess!" she declares.
Name calling leads to hitting and kicking (and sometimes spitting). But it always - in the end - leads to hurt feelings and one or both of the kids cries. It's inevitable. It's unavoidable. And there's nothing that can be done. Can't reason with them. Polite rebukes don't work. Threats are pointless (you know - the kind where you look in the rear view mirror and point at your children telling them to "cut it out" hoping they can see just how serious you are and all the while you are wearing sunglasses). We as parents are seriously ridiculous sometimes. Could stop the car, but what's the point?!?!? There must be some unwritten law that says when a family goes on a road trip, the kids in the back of van must get on each other's nerves. Must. Our solution - distraction. Put in another DVD or see who can find something orange first.
I say all of this to say that it's more important to praise our kids when we see them interacting and speaking well to one another in order to encourage more good behavior. Kids really can't help themselves because they are not as able to see the world as being bigger than themselves. As adults, I believe we have more options available to us when someone is not speaking very kindly about another person. And let's not foll ourselves by pretending that we don't name call or bash others - because we do. We're just craftier and more secretive than our kids.
"Did you know So-and-so is 8 weeks pregnant? You wouldn't believe who the father is!"
"So-and-so didn't put any time into the project, yet took all the credit. He's such a _______________."
When faced with situatios where we want to speak ill about someone or find ourselves brought into a conversation about another - certainly we could leave the situation. Or we could remain silent, but then we run the risk of inadvertently giving approval of what is being said when in fact we disapprove. Or maybe, just maybe, a distraction is what we need to redirect the conversation. Works for my kids.
"Meanie," he says.
"Poopyhead," she retorts.
"You're a boy!" is his comeback.
"Oh yeah, you're a princess!" she declares.
Name calling leads to hitting and kicking (and sometimes spitting). But it always - in the end - leads to hurt feelings and one or both of the kids cries. It's inevitable. It's unavoidable. And there's nothing that can be done. Can't reason with them. Polite rebukes don't work. Threats are pointless (you know - the kind where you look in the rear view mirror and point at your children telling them to "cut it out" hoping they can see just how serious you are and all the while you are wearing sunglasses). We as parents are seriously ridiculous sometimes. Could stop the car, but what's the point?!?!? There must be some unwritten law that says when a family goes on a road trip, the kids in the back of van must get on each other's nerves. Must. Our solution - distraction. Put in another DVD or see who can find something orange first.
I say all of this to say that it's more important to praise our kids when we see them interacting and speaking well to one another in order to encourage more good behavior. Kids really can't help themselves because they are not as able to see the world as being bigger than themselves. As adults, I believe we have more options available to us when someone is not speaking very kindly about another person. And let's not foll ourselves by pretending that we don't name call or bash others - because we do. We're just craftier and more secretive than our kids.
"Did you know So-and-so is 8 weeks pregnant? You wouldn't believe who the father is!"
"So-and-so didn't put any time into the project, yet took all the credit. He's such a _______________."
When faced with situatios where we want to speak ill about someone or find ourselves brought into a conversation about another - certainly we could leave the situation. Or we could remain silent, but then we run the risk of inadvertently giving approval of what is being said when in fact we disapprove. Or maybe, just maybe, a distraction is what we need to redirect the conversation. Works for my kids.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
barbara brown-taylor on our relationship to scripture
My own experience has taught me the value of regular and intentional study. My relationship with the Bible is not a romance but a marriage, and one I am willing to work on in all the usual ways: by living with the text day in and day out, by listening to it and talking back to it, by making sure I know what is behind the words it speaks to me and being certain I have heard it properly, by refusing to distance myself from the parts of it I do not like or understand, by letting my love for it show up in the everyday acts of my life. The Bible is not an object for me; it is a partner whose presence blesses me, challenges me, and affects everything I do (The Preaching Life, 56).
calvin & c.s. lewis: solving the riddle of the reformation
Several months ago, a friend from church - a man who I deeply respect and desire to have a fraction of his intellect - came to me with a problem and wanted some advice. His issue was that over the last 15 years or so he has been trying to solve what he calls the "Reformation riddle" of how Calvinists and Arminians and other theological camps can look at the same scriptural texts and come away with very different interpretations concerning the sovereignty of God, the responsibility of man, and salvation. How can this be, he wondered; and should he continue to read and write a book he had been working on when it all seemed hopeless?
After what seemed like a short conversation - though we talked for many hours - he decided to finish the work he set out to do so long ago. After many months of reading, writing, revising and sleepless nights, my friend finished his book. Yesterday I was pleased to receive a copy of his finished product appropriately entitled, Calvin & C.S. Lewis: Solving the Riddle of the Reformation. I look forward to reading my friend's book and I can now say that I am the pastor of someone who has written a self-published book. Congratulations Jordan, my friend! You can purchase a copy of Jordan's book by clicking here.
After what seemed like a short conversation - though we talked for many hours - he decided to finish the work he set out to do so long ago. After many months of reading, writing, revising and sleepless nights, my friend finished his book. Yesterday I was pleased to receive a copy of his finished product appropriately entitled, Calvin & C.S. Lewis: Solving the Riddle of the Reformation. I look forward to reading my friend's book and I can now say that I am the pastor of someone who has written a self-published book. Congratulations Jordan, my friend! You can purchase a copy of Jordan's book by clicking here.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
be inclusive
As I read Forni's chapter on being inclusive, I'm reminded of a simple truth that I'll call the Law of the In-Laws. There are no hard and fast rules to this law, but it has been my experience and I have observed that the "in-law" will never completely fit in with the family. There will always be a hint or a glimmer or a remnant of this feeling that they just don't fit in.
There are three reasons (two anthropological and one theological) as to why I think this happens. The first is that our history with the "in-laws" is shorter as compared to our spouses. If you are married, you are an "in-law" which means that you are at least 20 years (or more) behind in that family history for which you will never be able to catch up on. They have history with one another prior to our coming along and joining the family. Those bonds and social networks and interactions have already been forged and some sort of equilibrium has been established before you said "I do." So history is the first reason why there will not be a complete and total fit. The second reason, related to the first, is that we have our own families of origin who raised us and nurtured us and taught us and disciplined us and accepts us for who we are as a person. A simple example would be that I don't call my father-in-law when I want to talk to a father-like figure about life. I call my dad. I don't hug my father-in-law the same way I hug my dad and tell him how much I love him.
The third reason is sin. Just flat out sin.
Even in Christian families I've witnessed this law at work. Though we are all "one in Christ" there is still a remnant of exclusivity that looms in the air - silent, odorless, and invisible to the naked eye. But it's there.
Here's a word to the "in-laws" who feel like they are the "out-laws" in the family. Kill 'em with kindness. Don't wait for them to intiate a conversation or to ask you to join them for a night out. Rather, be the initiator, even if it feels awkward or stupid. Every act of kindness matters.
There are three reasons (two anthropological and one theological) as to why I think this happens. The first is that our history with the "in-laws" is shorter as compared to our spouses. If you are married, you are an "in-law" which means that you are at least 20 years (or more) behind in that family history for which you will never be able to catch up on. They have history with one another prior to our coming along and joining the family. Those bonds and social networks and interactions have already been forged and some sort of equilibrium has been established before you said "I do." So history is the first reason why there will not be a complete and total fit. The second reason, related to the first, is that we have our own families of origin who raised us and nurtured us and taught us and disciplined us and accepts us for who we are as a person. A simple example would be that I don't call my father-in-law when I want to talk to a father-like figure about life. I call my dad. I don't hug my father-in-law the same way I hug my dad and tell him how much I love him.
The third reason is sin. Just flat out sin.
Even in Christian families I've witnessed this law at work. Though we are all "one in Christ" there is still a remnant of exclusivity that looms in the air - silent, odorless, and invisible to the naked eye. But it's there.
Here's a word to the "in-laws" who feel like they are the "out-laws" in the family. Kill 'em with kindness. Don't wait for them to intiate a conversation or to ask you to join them for a night out. Rather, be the initiator, even if it feels awkward or stupid. Every act of kindness matters.
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