speak kindly & give praise

Rule #7 in Choosing Civility is Don't Speak Ill. It is framed negatively of Rule #6 which is to Speak Kindly. The memories I carry with me related to speaking ill of others are long car rides with our two children in the back strapped in next to each other, and as any parent well knows, it always begins with name calling.

"Meanie," he says.
"Poopyhead," she retorts.
"You're a boy!" is his comeback.
"Oh yeah, you're a princess!" she declares.

Name calling leads to hitting and kicking (and sometimes spitting). But it always - in the end - leads to hurt feelings and one or both of the kids cries. It's inevitable. It's unavoidable. And there's nothing that can be done. Can't reason with them. Polite rebukes don't work. Threats are pointless (you know - the kind where you look in the rear view mirror and point at your children telling them to "cut it out" hoping they can see just how serious you are and all the while you are wearing sunglasses). We as parents are seriously ridiculous sometimes. Could stop the car, but what's the point?!?!? There must be some unwritten law that says when a family goes on a road trip, the kids in the back of van must get on each other's nerves. Must. Our solution - distraction. Put in another DVD or see who can find something orange first.

I say all of this to say that it's more important to praise our kids when we see them interacting and speaking well to one another in order to encourage more good behavior. Kids really can't help themselves because they are not as able to see the world as being bigger than themselves. As adults, I believe we have more options available to us when someone is not speaking very kindly about another person. And let's not foll ourselves by pretending that we don't name call or bash others - because we do. We're just craftier and more secretive than our kids.

"Did you know So-and-so is 8 weeks pregnant? You wouldn't believe who the father is!"
"So-and-so didn't put any time into the project, yet took all the credit. He's such a _______________."

When faced with situatios where we want to speak ill about someone or find ourselves brought into a conversation about another - certainly we could leave the situation. Or we could remain silent, but then we run the risk of inadvertently giving approval of what is being said when in fact we disapprove. Or maybe, just maybe, a distraction is what we need to redirect the conversation. Works for my kids.