think the best & listen

Continuing our journey through Choosing Civility, Rule #3 is Think the Best. Now, I don't know about you but I'm a "the glass is half-full" kind of guy. I naturally give other people, even complete strangers, the benefit of the doubt. Well almost. While I do tend to think of myself as this kind of person I have met others who really give others the benefit. I once dated a girl in college who was bright, energetic, Godly, and I distinctly remember having a conversation about picking up hitch-hikers. "Without a doubt," she said, "I'd do it." I, on the other hand, wasn't so certain. My concern had to do with safety. "What if the person you pick up has a knife or gun?" I asked. It really didn't matter to my friend - the threat of violence only reinforced something she already knew - desperate people do desperate things like hurt others. To think the best in others requires courage and a degree of self-confidence because eventually the person you give the benefit of the doubt to will let you down. I don't know about you (especially if you're a "the glass is half-empty" kind of person) but I'd rather give others the benefit and risk being let down.

But there is a benefit to being a "half-empty" type of person as well. Anyone who knows this kind of person knows that it's difficult to earn their trust or respect or you fill in the _________. But what I've learned from the half-empties is that we need to be discerning in just how much trust, respect or _________ that we give to others. I learned this from my wife. While I teach her to see the best in and take a risk on others, she teaches me to ask questions and to be safe while taking appropriate risks.

Rule #4 - Listen. I'll take this a step further and suggest that we need to learn to be better listeners. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, chances are you are not a very good listener. 1) Do you check your email, text, or watch the television while having conversations with others (in other words are you easily distracted)? 2) Do you find yourself formulating your response in your head before the other person has finished speaking? 3) Are you into advice giving? 4) Who does most of the talking - you or the other person? 4) Do you make the conversation about you, your struggles and problems, or your successes?

pay attention & acknowledge others

I'm a little behind on my interaction with Choosing Civility by P.M Forni. No matter...pressing forward, I offer you the first two "rules" (of 25) of civilized conduct. Rule #1 - Pay Attention. Let me just ask, "Just how much do we pay attention throughout the course of one day?" How much do we pay attention to others, our surroundings, other voices, our thoughts and feelings? My daily commute to Byron Center takes me about 25 minutes via the more scenic route. I remember the first couple of days I noticed so many different things en route, like the house with a junk yard next to a mansion on a hill; like the perfectly parallel rows of crops beginning to take root in the soil; like the smell of chickens as I approach the chicken hatchery between Burnips and Jamestown. Forni contends, "We spend much of our daily lives neglecting to pay attention...When we relate to the world as if we were on automatic pilot, we can hardly be at our best in encounters with our fellow human beings" (36-7).

Rule #2 - Acknowledge Others - is closely related to the first. I envision both of these rules as being more "other-focused" or external to myself. Surely I must pay attention to myself, my thoughts, my feelings and attitudes at times as Forni suggests, "At times we will be turned inward, unavailable to others, protective of our space and frame of mind. And that's all right" (43). But too much of me is not a good thing.

Here's where I see these two principles most active in my life. I am the father of three wonderful children. Anyone who has children or cares for those who cannot completely care for themselves will relate to what I'm about to say. My children are starving for my attention and affection. Not a single day goes by where one of them doesn't say, "Daddy look! Look Daddy! See what I can do! Aren't you proud of me?" I love those moments but also confess that sometimes I get annoyed because if I don't look right away their volume and intensity gets louder and louder until I actually stop what it is I may or may not be doing at the time and be attentive to them. When I acknowledge my children, they feel valued and loved.

We, and when I say "we" I really mean "me," would be wise and well to slow ourselves down enough be attentive to our surroundings and the people near to us and get outside of ourselves enough to let them know that we value their presence in our lives.

as is by krista finch

Krista Finch’s first book, As Is: Unearthing Commonplace Glory is a delight. Finch is a masterful wordsmith who carefully crafts poetry and short memoirs, which mines the conflict and tension we feel in our lives, as her opening poem rightly suggests: “…that was a long time ago; there’s no time for chasing lightening bugs now” not with the long laundry list of things that we do which redirects our attention from perhaps deeper, more meaningful spaces (p. 9). I was hooked by the opening poem which, I believe, sets the tone, rhythm, and content for the rest of the book. I had this sense that if I enjoyed the opening as much as I did that I would enjoy the rest of what was to come. As Is is witty and honest; and if we are honest with ourselves we will find many points of connection in Finch’s short stories.

As Is should be read devotionally. I found myself reading 2-3 chapters (which are very short) a day in order to let the story “sink in” and give myself time for reflection. The one thing I really appreciate about this book is that it forces us as readers to slow down and reflect – even meditate – on what is being said. Reading this book in 1-2 sittings is not recommended and may even disappoint if attempted.

Disclaimer: In accordance with local and federal laws, I disclose that I was given a free copy of this book for review by The Ooze Viral Bloggers. No compensation has been received for this review.

understanding the human spirit

C.S. Lewis is masterful in his understanding and expression of the condition of the human spirit in relation to God. He writes:

The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it. Now error and sin both have this property, that the deeper they are the less their victim suspects their existence; they are masked evil...We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our stupidities; and anyone who has watched gluttons shovelling down the most exquisite foods as if they did not know what they were eating, will admit that we can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world (The Problem of Pain).

forget love, try manners

"I am optimistic about our ability to better ourselves," says Forni in his book Choosing Civility, "We can learn to be decent and caring; we can learn to give of ourselves; we can learn to love" [19]. Though we don't have control over the events that happen in our lives, we do however, have a say in how we choose to respond in times of joy and in times of crisis. Forni goes on to say that our circumstances prevent us from learning how to be civil and how to love and how to forgive. So how are we suppose to learn to do these things? We need a teacher; someone who does these things well to teach us the basics. Love will come, says Forni, but manners come first.

For some reason, I'm not quite as optimistic as Forni about "our ability to better ourselves." I am, however, more optimistic in the Holy Spirit's ability to better us. I agree with Forni that we need a teacher to teach us, but not just any teacher. We need to follow a first century rabbi named Jesus. The more time we spend following our Teacher, Rabbi Jesus, the more recognize we are unable to change ourselves but need his Spirit to transform us - to love as Jesus loves; to forgive as Jesus forgives; and treat others as Jesus treats them.

But a question still remains, "To what extent can our circumstances prevent us from finding a teacher?"

baptism

Baptism © Josh Cooper 2010

Into the waters;
Through the divide;
Death to the old self;
Raised to new life;
United to Jesus Christ

Through the divide;
Sin is washed away
In the name of the Father,
Son,
and Holy Spirit.

Through the divide;
No longer are you yours
But “You are mine,”
says the LORD.

Stamped with a seal;
And clothed in Christ;
A signpost pointing the way,
Of the consummate Kingdom
reign.